Warning: This clip (and post) contains explicit language.

Lisa Lampanelli is an old fashioned “broad.” She’s crass, funny, and the type of gal you would imagine could be comfortable at either a black-tie cocktail party or drinking Jack Daniels and playing pool with the Hells Angels somewhere. Kind of like my mother, but of course, my mother would do it with a great amount of style, better jewelry, and a better outfit (and she would clean up the pool table, walk out of the bar with a wad of cash, then say to one of the bikers, “Move your ass, kick start that thing, and give me a ride home, I’m gettin’ my hair done in the morning!” And the biker would be the one who would be intimidated…) But I digress.

This clip is from an upcoming Comedy Central roast of Larry the Cable Guy. As the heading suggests, it is completely wrong and funny as hell:

I’m not starting off with a fancy sauce or pastry, we’re starting with the basics, a great brine for poultry (it is actually great for any type of poultry or pork).

Maple Brine

Prep Time: 15 Minutes

Ingredients:

• 4 quarts of water
• 2 cups dark brown sugar
• 1 1/4 cups maple syrup
• 1 cup soy sauce
• 3/4 cup sea salt
• 8-10 whole cloves of garlic (peeled)
• 8 whole bay leaves
• 3-4 large sprigs of thyme
• 2 teaspoons whole peppercorns

Preparation:

Place all ingredients in a large pot and bring to a boil, dissolving sugar and maple syrup. Remove from heat and allow brine to cool completely before using.

I don’t know about you, but initially, we had some trouble figuring out how to best use the brine. Our solution that has worked without fail? Once brine has cooled, take your (insert meat product here) and place it in a new, thick garbage bag (usually the outdoor bags are tough enough) and pour the brine in over the turkey (chicken, pork, goose, duck, etc.). Tie the bag down as tight as possible around the bird and refrigerate for at least 24 hours. We set ours in a tub and put it in the fridge.

After your bird brine’s for 24 hours or so, cook it just like you would normally cook the bird: take it out of the brine and give it a good rinse, stuff it, and toss it in the oven.

I think you will find that it is one of the most flavorful, moist turkey’s you will have ever tasted!

Happy Holidays! Enjoy!

Here’s one of those completely unnecessary, completely decadent holiday tips:

Mrs. Prindable’s Handmade Confections

Mrs. Prindable’s creates the most deliciously decadent gourmet apples — dark chocolate delight, triple chocolate caramel, double chocolate peanut butter almond caramel, milk chocolate walnut pecan caramel, milk chocolate toffee walnut caramel, dark chocolate cashew caramel, dark chocolate splendor caramel, milk chocolate pecan caramel, and peppermint holiday — sure to make a BIG holiday impression!

So big, in fact, that each apple weighs roughly 1.5 pounds and serves up to 10 people!

In addition to the individual apples, one can purchase gift baskets, special occasion apples, “petite” (they only serve 1-2 people!) apple assortments, and party favor packs.

‘Tis the season for holiday visiting, gifting, eating and so forth, so be that perfect guest (or host) and have a unique edible on hand this year!

P.S.  Would make a great gift for that favorite teacher, too!

So it’s 15 and counting as Top Chef starts this week.

Quickfire Challenge:  Hot dogs???  WTF? So the Quickfire is to go dog-to-dog with a professional NYC hot dog vendor to see who can create a great dog that surpasses the gold standard.  For me, I’m pretty much a hot dog purist, so most of these attempts to beat a dog with mustard wouldn’t…cut the mustard! (you can all groan now)

45 minutes for hot dogs?  Loved that Stefan was slammed as one of the worst!  Radhica:  an Indian with an Indian-spired hot dog as the winner?  How original.

Is it me, or did Jill just arrive on the scene?  I don’t remember her from the first show at all.  Given that lame attempt at her hot dog, I don’t believe we’ll see her for long.

Elimination Challenge: I love the concept of cooking a three-course meal for the people who didn’t even make the cut for the show.  There has to be some nasty comments out of that rejected crowd!

Some of the food seems pretty interesting, but overall, I’m bored tonight.  Let’s just keep weeding the weakest of the herd, get down to a handful of interesting chefs, and enjoy the fireworks and knife skills.  (I do realize that we have to wade through the early shows in order to become interested in the “interesting chefs”)

Pack your knives and go: Seeya, Jill.  Well, I called that one… the bad hot dog was the indicator.

OK, so I’m a schmuck for not getting a post in sooner. We had a little fundraiser over the weekend for our nonprofit, and between getting ready, throwing the party, and cleaning up, time just got away from me.

As it is Top Chef night, I thought I better get my thoughts down about season premiere last week.

There’s no real favorite yet, but I do have some thoughts and we might as well get the nasty comments out of the way first:

Brutal: Quickfire Challenge kicking someone out right off the bat!  Also, Richard slicing up the apples AND his thumb!  He finished off the challenge, but that was gross.

Hate ‘em: Stefan and Fabio (what a couple of pretentious… well… schmucks.  They can’t “pack their knives and go” soon enough for me!  Also, Jeff can go home, too!

Love ‘em: Richard (who could not love this big teddy bear of a man???), Jamie, and Gene!

Odd: Carla (and she should run out and get her thyroid checked!)

Not Sure: Ariane, Hosea, and Leah.  I think I may like them, but don’t carve that in stone.

The rest of the bunch, I’ve got no real opinion of them, so we’ll have to wait and see what happens tonight.

I do love the teaser with Padma spitting out someones cooking (“a Top Chef first…” or so says the announcer).  Tune in tonight and see who packs their knives.

Again, sorry for being away for so many days!

Short and sweet… The new season of Bravo’s Top Chef starts this Wednesday (11/12)! Time is 10PM/9PM (Central).

This season takes place in New York. Stop back by on Thursday and I’ll toss out my thoughts (and you can do the same)!

Now that Halloween has come and gone, we can now turn our attention to traditional year-end holiday festivities, which in my book means eating!  So, who better to provide a great holiday tip than Karen Bakhoum.

Bakhoum, famed restaurant publicist and occasional Iron Chef (America) judge, has such a refined palate that she’s insured it with Lloyd’s of London for $1 million.  So when someone of her stature gives a ringing “thumbs up” endorsement of a great apple pie, take notice.

She has, and, drum roll, please…  the apple pie is from Costco! And it’s only $9

As noted in Departures magazine: “It’s everything an American apple pie should be: moist but not gooey, with the perfect balance of butter, sugar, and cinnamon,” she says.  “I’m proud to bring it to a dinner party.”

I’ve had it, and although I don’t have a palate insured for $1 million bucks, I would agree that it’s a great pie!

My recommendation:  swing by a Costco near you, pick one up, and serve it with pride!

Costco? Who knew?