That’s all… I’ve been sick. It sucks.

Dear Robert,

You died 16 years ago today, and sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. Regardless of the time that has passed, your company, counsel, friendship, and acceptance is still felt, and appreciated.

As I said at your funeral, and have written often since: You are missed and loved.

A continued peaceful rest, my friend….

Jason

Now that PRIDE has passed and we’ve had a chance to celebrate all that we love about our community, we also have time to reflect, regroup, and recommit ourselves to those things missing — wait, not missing, withheld — from us. The “biggie” making the news these days? Marriage, of course.

Right now we have the most disjointed, disfunctional systems that vary from state-to-state, which may — or may not — recognize same sex _________________ (unions/marriage/partnerships… you fill in the blank). Whatever you put in the blank, one thing is for sure: heterosexuals never have to wonder what to put in the blank. And frankly, I find it pretty damned unfair.

There are currently 18,000 legally-recognized same-sex marriages in California. An arbitrary determinate by the California Supreme Court allowed those marriages to continue when they reviewed (and allowed the ban on gay marriage to stand). Today, if I attempted to get married in California, I would be turned away, being told that gay marriage is illegal, yet had I gone through the motions when same sex marriage was legal in California, all would be fine.

Where’s the equality? Where’s the justice?

To me, what has been done in our country around the issue of same sex marriage has been handled about as well as if the Supreme Court came out and said, “Today we have decided that all African Americans born before 1970 are free and if you are in an interracial marriage, fine. The rest of you, report to the fields. You will now work from sun-up-to-sun-down and all the efforts of your labor will enrich the fat white guy sitting in the rocker on the porch.”

If that happened, there would be rioting in the streets. Maybe that’s the problem with our struggle, we’re just far too civilized and think that if we behave in a civilized manner, we will be treated with the same courtesy. Sadly, however, great change rarely comes about by behaving in a civilized manner.

Again, where’s the equality? Where’s the justice?

There’s been a lot of media on the topic, but so far, I’ve found nothing better that states the case than this one from BroadwayImpact:

So now that PRIDE is over for you (or your son, daughter, brother, sister, niece, grandson…), give some thought to what you want to have happen in your community and take steps to remedy the injustice. If it’s marriage, terrific!

Remember, we just want what is coming to us. We just want our fair share.

Given that I’ve been away for so long (due to a transfer in hosting companies and a BIG mess in getting files and such transferred over to the new servers), I thought that this video would be a most appropriate return!

It’s two-fold: first a message to my former hosting company, and second, to spread a message to those that detest gays and lesbians (it is Pride Month, after all…)

I believe in giving credit where credit is due, so the video, posted in honor of International Day Against Homophobia, was originally found on www.GayClic.com, and was debuted on May 16, 2009.

Enjoy! And, to that nasty, crappy, hosting company that I finally dumped, I say….:

While I could post a million different clips of Bea Arthur, here’s one of my favorites of her with another of my favorites, Angela Landsbury.

Bea Arthur
May 13, 1922 ~ April 25, 2009

Thanks for sharing your talent with us for so many years….

While working today on updating LGBT HEART’s scholarship application for the next cycle, a commercial came on the television that asked the question, “Who rules the world, men or women?”

Given that I was watching a movie on Lifetime (you know, the network for women and gay men), I pretty much knew how the actors in the commercial would answer. However, it did get me to thinking about the question, although I was momentarily distracted when I discovered that the commercial was for adult undergarments.

“Great,” I thought, “I get to think about who ultimately rules the world while contemplating my increasingly-advancing age and possibly someday needing to have my diaper changed.” That thought, thankfully, can be saved for another post, hopefully in 40 or more years!

So, back to the question: Who rules the world? I suppose that depends on who you ask and their experiences.

I remember visiting Him at work once and overhearing some of his employees. One woman, pointing at me, said, “Who’s that?” The woman speaking with her responded, “Oh, you want to be nice to him, he puts his head next to the boss’ every night.” Of course, at that moment, I would have said, “I RULE THE WORLD!” and I tucked away in my head a very valuable nugget that day — regardless of the gender of the boss, ALWAYS be nice to the spouse (however defined), because clearly, THEY rule the world! But I digress…

Pushed to answer, I would say that women rule the world. While statistically, men are most often found in positions of power, it has been my experience that women really run things.

Fortunately, I believe, I’ve had strong, powerful — sometimes stubborn — women around me all my life. If you’ve read some of my other posts, you’ve probably gleaned that I have a no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners kind of mother. Her mother, my Grandmother — or at least my recollection of her — was the same (you have to be when you have a husband who is a crusty, crotchety pain-in-the-ass, ten children, and a house and farm to run). The same is true of what I remember of my Great Grandmother.

Bosses? The majority have been smart, accomplished, articulate, creative women. Some, forceful and determined; others, quiet and commanding. All, respected for their spirit and dedication. Dedication to their work, families, community, and mostly, self.

Mother Teresa. Melinda Gates. Rosa Parks. Lady Godiva. Grace Hopper. Florence Nightengale. Mother Joseph. Queen Isabella. Letitia Geer. Susan B. Anthony. Queen Elizabeth I. All known for making an impact on the world and all certainly exhibit “ruler” qualities. However, is great achievement enough of a determinate?

Everyone is going to have a different opinion about this topic and that’s fine. It is an interesting question to ponder. How do you answer the question? How do you decide? What criteria do you apply to make the decision? What’s your gut say to you?

I certainly didn’t pose the question to pit man against woman or start another war of the sexes. Also, this is not an “in praise of women” post (although it could be). Can it be boiled down to a simple “man” or “woman” response?

Hmmmm… Now that I think about it, maybe the commercial got it wrong in thinking in terms of “men” and “women.” In reality, our cats rule the world.

We’ve been trained to feed them every morning, they sleep whenever the hell they want, they get groomed daily, and the litter box gets cleaned routinely.

Maybe that’s the “X” factor… whoever gets their shit cleaned up rules the world….

DUBAI (Two weeks ago)

We went on a little business trip/holiday and visited friends who recently relocated for work.

In a nutshell, it’s Miami without the trash and better drivers.  It’s Las Vegas without the gambling.

For a region of the world that is so steeped in tradition, and, from all outward appearances, abhors anything remotely affiliated with the “infidels” of the West, Dubai sure has adopted the culture — and might I say, some of the worst — of the United States.  For example, across the street from our hotel was TGI Friday’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Chili’s, Starbucks, Krispy Kreme, and a Caribou Coffee (which I won’t complain about the ‘Bou, as I love it!).

Now, I shouldn’t throw a stone in the pond and make the ripples.  There are a number of things about Dubai that are truly interesting and beautiful.  Part of the difficulty is that while one thinks of “the Middle East,” its history and age, the emirate of Dubai is not that old, and there really isn’t much in the city of Dubai that is more than 20 or so years old.  It’s a very modern city with lots of construction, skyscrapers, shopping malls, high-end hotels, and expensive cars and homes.

Sadly, as religion would dictate, it is mostly a “dry” country.  Liquor can be purchased in hotels and I believe that the locals who are Expats can get some sort of license to buy alcohol.  All we know is that we had the shopping list to hit duty free when we came through the airport.  We picked up four liters of spirits and five bottles of wine (the limit) and two cartons of cigarettes.   Western vices for our friends!

One of our friends who relocated to Dubai said that she was quite distracted by the women covered from head-to-toe as tradition would dictate.  I have to admit, I did stare quite a bit when we arrived, but within a half day or so, didn’t even really notice it.  I did have one question that no one was able to answer.  I pose it here in case someone knows the answer:  “With all these women covered from head-to-toe, how do the children know which woman to run up to at the mall when they want something?”  Other than height, I didn’t notice any difference, so I would imagine it could be fairly confusing to a child.  It was one of those things that made me put my index finger to the side of my head and mumble, “hmmmmm…” for a minute or two.

Call to Prayer: Some find it terribly uncomfortable.  In fact, He (for those of you just joining in, “He” will be how I will refer to my significant other.  This is my blog, not his, so I wish to provide him some level of anonymity and privacy)…  moving on, He found the “call to prayer” very unsettling (saying, “that ‘Call to Prayer’ is really an announcement for the locals to ‘kill the Western infidel tourists!’”  I, however, found it comforting.  Five times a day.  It’s ritual.  It’s routine.  It’s a dedication to faith and a higher purpose.  While I don’t personally subscribe, I can appreciate the process.  I managed to record about a minute of the Call to Prayer on my camera, and once I figure out how to upload it, I’ll put it on here for you to hear.

Interestingly, in public buildings and hotel rooms, one can often find an arrow — either inlaid in the floor or a desk — that points toward Mecca so one knows which direction to face when it is time for prayer.  While we didn’t have one in our particular room, a friend of ours who came to visit from another emirate, did have an arrow in his hotel room.

Souks: The public markets/trading centers are interesting as well.  I read that the Dubai souks are not as interesting as other Arab markets (Morocco or Oman).  However, I’ve not seen others, so it worked fine for me.  There is a Fish Market (trading the daily catch); the Gold Souk, where there are deals to be had; Spice Souk where one finds shop-after-shop with baskets full of every spice you could possibly imagine; Perfume Souk; and even an Electronic Souk.

In addition to the interesting Souks (again, where bargaining is the name-of-the-game), we happened to be in town during the Dubai Shopping Festival.  For Westerners, think of it as a huge after Christmas sale that goes on for about six weeks.  Things can be as much as 70% off, and the U.S. dollar goes pretty far.  Also, no sales tax!

AMSTERDAM

On our return from Dubai, we scheduled our flight so that we had to change planes in Amsterdam.  We love this city for many reasons, but one of the main reasons is Bols liquor.  Some of you may be familiar with Bols, as some of their products are sold in the United States. They have one recipe, however, that is not sold outside of The Netherlands.  It’s called Genever and we love it.  We brought some of it home with us the last time we were in Amsterdam, and we specifically made a stop-over so we could dash to the company headquarters where they have a retail shop and buy the limit would could bring through customs (four bottles).

We have our priorities and we’re not ashamed to admit that one of them is a great bottle of spirits!

Fifteen years ago today, my friend, Robert, died.  Complications from AIDS took him much too soon, just months before his 30th birthday.

I think about him every year at this time, but I don’t necessarily talk about him.  This year, however, while I think about his death, I am really missing him and his friendship.  There have been a lot of changes of late, and I could benefit from his counsel and company.

We all have those friends in our lives — the ones with whom we’ve shared those inner-most secrets and experiences, laughed too much, drank too much, cried our fair share, leaned on one another, got into (and out of) trouble together — that we thought we would be able to share experiences with until we were old.  Robert was that friend for me.

As much as I’ve tried, short of my partner, I’ve yet to cultivate that type of friendship since.  That’s not to say that I don’t have great friends in my life, I’m just saying that I doubt I’ll ever have that type of relationship with anyone ever again (and I suppose that’s true of every relationship, as each is unique).

To quell the thought that some of you might be having right now, no, Robert and I were not lovers.  I liken it to that saying, “brothers from another mother.”  And when his time came to go (and I had plenty of time to mentally prepare), while I honored his wishes, I wasn’t ready for him to leave (imagine how his family took it when I explained to them that they couldn’t have his remains just yet, as I wasn’t finished saying my goodbye’s, and I carried him around for another week before we had his memorial and the scattering of his ashes!).

At this time of year, I try to focus on the great times we had together while he was healthy.  Oddly, however, we had some pretty great times when he was sick, too.  There were many nights sleeping on a cot in his hospital room (or finally a sofa in his room at hospice) when we stayed awake far too late talking that remain some of my favorite times with him.

This isn’t about a loss, and I don’t mean for it to be about some sentimental reflection on a life taken too soon.  It’s about what he generously offered me, without compromise and without expectation, and the lesson learned in the process.

After Robert’s memorial service, a group of friends and family went to the beach for a couple of days and made a quilt panel for he and his partner, Chris, who died two years prior.  After we finished the quilt panel, we scattered the ashes into the Pacific.  A final act honoring a friend.

I often wonder what type of impact Robert would have had on the world over the past 15 years, and then realize its been pretty amazing, as a little piece of Robert has lived on in everyone who knew him.  That’s comforting to me.

Simply, he was loved.  He is missed.

To my father and all those that have served, thank you!  We enjoy the life we have today because of your effort and sacrifice.

Happy Veterans Day!

While waiting to get my flu shot today (run out and get yours if you haven’t yet), I was doing a little web browsing and came across an interesting item, Benjamin Franklin’s 13 Virtues.

This may have been something we were supposed to have learned about in school, but if we did, it slipped right out of my head. For me, it was an interesting discovery.

Apparently, at the age of 20 while on an ocean voyage from London to Philadelphia in 1726, Franklin sought to cultivate his character and developed a plan and a corresponding chart for regulating his future conduct.

He created a chart that listed the days of the week across the top, and his 13 virtues down the side.  He would work on one and only one virtue per week (marking off each day in the week), and, according to his autobiography, “leaving all others to their ordinary chance.”  After 13 weeks, he had worked through his 13 virtues, and dedicated himself to repeating this cycle four times per year.

By his own admission, he didn’t live completely by his virtues and often fell short of them.  He believed that that the attempt made him a better man contributing greatly to his success and happiness.  In his autobiography, he apparently devoted more pages to this plan than to any other topic.

For your thoughtful consideration, Franklin’s 13 Virtues are:

1.  Temperance.  Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.

2.  Silence.  Speak not but what may benefit others of yourself; avoid trifling conversation.

3.  Order.  Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

4.  Resolution.  Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

5.  Frugality. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.

6.  Industry.  Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.

7.  Sincerity.  Use no hurtful deceit; think innoccently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

8.  Justice.  Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

9.  Moderation.  Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

10.  Cleanliness.  Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes or habitation.

11.  Tranquility.  Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.

12.  Chastity.  Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.

13.  Humility.  Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

Granted, I may not agree with each of these, nor set out on a goal to practice his routine.  I am, however, quite fond of the concept and the spirit of his process.

Maybe I’ll revisit these after the holidays.  In the waning days of 2008, I may have a little trouble with the “temperance,” “moderation,” and “chastity” virtues.

Could be a good New Year’s resolution….

PS:  I was serious about that flu shot.  If you haven’t gotten yours, get your butt out there and get one.  I don’t want you to be that sneezer that everyone glares at on the train in the morning!

Given the random list of possible blog post topics listed in the welcome entry, “hope” will seem quite esoteric.  It probably is, but give me a few minutes and I’ll explain.

With the state of the world, state of our country, and maybe even the state of your own financial security and home, “hope” is a welcome feeling — one experienced today just down the street from my apartment.

Early voting is well underway for next week’s election, and today, while out running an errand, I saw a line trailing out the door of our local public library and streaming down the block.  I quickly realized it extended well beyond the block, and there appeared to be over one hundred people patiently queuing for their turn to “pull the lever.”

Having already voted by absentee ballot, I was first, thankful, that a line like this was not in my future, and second, curious as to how long people had been standing in line to vote.

“How long have you been waiting?” I casually asked the woman closest to me.

“Nearly three hours now.” she replied.

“Wow!  Why?” came out of my mouth before I could get it shut, and then thought that she would provide a rather casual, innocuous response.  Her answer, however, was more than expected.

“Because as a country we’ve wandered so far away from what we used to be, what we stood for, and what we meant to our neighbors whether we got along or not.  I have hope, for the first time in a long time, that this election will be different.” she replied.

Several of the people around her nodded and mumbled in approval.  I, too, agreed, and told her that she was not alone in this one.

She didn’t share her political leanings, nor her candidates of choice, just simply offered a statement of hope for something different.

While I do have my personal position on issues and candidates, today, I encourage you to exercise your right and vote.  Share with me — and the library lady — hope that our economy gets back on track; schools improve; we become more collaborative and less fractious; that exploitation of our environment stops; civility becomes the norm rather than the exception; faith that quality healthcare won’t be something only the wealthy can afford; and that rhetoric is replaced by action.

Thanks for your eyes.  In the future, most posts won’t be so touchy-feely.  I promise that the next post will be about something like the Importika Portable Espresso Maker, absinthe lollipops, or the Green Bag Lady!